Because this cycle hasn’t been a rollercoaster enough, I’m now starting to question if I really did ovulate on Monday night like. My temp took a big dip Monday morning. I had my last ultrasound that day so I know at least at 9:15 everything was still intact. Tuesday it went up a mere 0.18. Wednesday it went up a full 1.00. That’s a big jump. Thursday morning it dropped back down about 0.50. Friday it only increased 0.02.
I am beginning to think I may have ovulated last night. Not based on temps though. Not enough information for that yet, though I’m anxious to see what tomorrow’s will be. But yesterday evening I was very very crampy. Worse than AF cramps. Then maybe a half hour later DH and I go to TI and low and behold EWCM. My cramps were gone within another half hour.
I guess I just have to be patient and see what my temp does. Until proven that I’ve O’d, we will continue TI. This is the point where I actually miss having the trigger shot. I’m not good with temp interpretation.
On to the dream part ….
I very rarely dream at night of being pregnant. I’ve had plenty of dreams where I have two children, but not many that I’m actually pregnant. Oddly enough my dreams have always been of me having a girl that is 4 and a boy that is a baby around 4 months. Anyway last night I had a pregnant dream. In it, I was laying in the bed with DH. I was awake and was waiting for him to wake up. Must have been a weekend. I’ve got a cute baby bump and all of a sudden I feel the baby kick for the first time. I got all excited and woke him up to feel it. Of course he couldn’t, but when he put his hand on the bump, baby kicked again. Oh and in this dream it was a baby boy.
It was heartwarming to think about this morning. I only hope it comes true sooner than later.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Decision made ...
After a long conversation between DH and I, we’ve made our decision. I haven’t announced this to any of my friends or family outside of the internet. They have no clue about this blog. Nor do I plan on announcing it on the IF message board I read. But I felt like I should write about it here for memory’s sake.
We decided to go for it. Why you ask?
I’ve never, in all these cycles, produced more than one follicle. If nothing, then it’s a greater chance of success. More targets to aim for as my DH said.
I just couldn’t swallow losing all that medicine and money it cost. Yes I shouldn’t harp on this, but there is nothing to say I will be employed tomorrow and will be able to afford the next cycle.
Finally well we can’t guarantee this round will even work, so why get caught up on the fact that it could produce multiples? We both know how we feel on the issue of multiples. We realize we are tempting fate with this and may have to make a decision later on. But just because I had 5 to 8 follicles, doesn’t mean all 5 to 8 will release. Even if they do, it doesn’t mean that all of them will fertilize, let alone implant as well.
We are throwing the control of this matter to bigger hands. That’s all we can do at this point.
I am pretty sure I ovulated on Monday night like I thought I was going to. If I go the normal 14 days, the verdict will be known on 08/24 … also known as my 29th birthday. What a gift a BFP would be!
We decided to go for it. Why you ask?
I’ve never, in all these cycles, produced more than one follicle. If nothing, then it’s a greater chance of success. More targets to aim for as my DH said.
I just couldn’t swallow losing all that medicine and money it cost. Yes I shouldn’t harp on this, but there is nothing to say I will be employed tomorrow and will be able to afford the next cycle.
Finally well we can’t guarantee this round will even work, so why get caught up on the fact that it could produce multiples? We both know how we feel on the issue of multiples. We realize we are tempting fate with this and may have to make a decision later on. But just because I had 5 to 8 follicles, doesn’t mean all 5 to 8 will release. Even if they do, it doesn’t mean that all of them will fertilize, let alone implant as well.
We are throwing the control of this matter to bigger hands. That’s all we can do at this point.
I am pretty sure I ovulated on Monday night like I thought I was going to. If I go the normal 14 days, the verdict will be known on 08/24 … also known as my 29th birthday. What a gift a BFP would be!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Cycle 5 with new RE - Cancelled
Did 100 Follistim from CD 3 through CD 7 (7/25-7/29).
Went to RE on CD 8. Lefty had nothing. Righty had one at 8 mm.
Feeling good because yes it’s small but at least we aren’t going grow too much and too quickly like last time.
Continued 100 Follistim from CD 8 through CD 11 (7/30-8/2).
Went to RE on CD 12. Told me things still looked the same as previous u/s.
Feeling discouraged because it just stopped growing.
Upped Follistim to 150 for CD 12 through CD 15 (8/3-8/6).
Went to RE on CD 16 (8/7). Told now had nothing on the right and a 12 mm and 14 mm on left.
Feeling very happy because it’s the first time my left ovary has worked since I’ve been with this clinic. Though at this point I was confused as to what happened to the 8 mm on my right. They thought maybe it was a cyst and it dissolved. Also concerned with jumping straight to 150 and not 125, but followed my orders.
Continued Follistim 150 from CD 16 through CD 18 (8/7-8/9).
That brings you to today 8/10 which is CD 19. Lefty has a 23 mm and a 21 mm. Righty has a 20 mm and a 22 mm. Then there are “one to four” others around, though not above 18 mm. My lining was a 9. No clue what my E2 is. They usually don’t get that call until 3 and they probably won’t tell me. I don’t know what it’s been all along either because Dr. T doesn’t tell patients E2 until trigger time.
So with that being said, they cancelled my cycle. He said it was just too risky to have all of those follicles. Since four are all around the same size, it is likely that if one releases, then all four will. He said to abstain until I get AF. Then to come back to check for cysts.
Right now I’m so upset and disappointed in it all. It’s just not fair. I have just thrown an entire month’s worth of pay down the drain not to even have a remote chance at a baby. I know I shouldn’t harp on the money fact, because hey at least I have insurance for portion of it. But that’s a lot of money to me. Yes it’ll be worth it one day I know. But right now I’m just mad to have to go through all these shots leaving bruises and marks on my stomach, blood draws that have left my arms so bruised I have been stuck wearing cardigans though it’s 90+ degrees out, the neverending headache this medicine gives me, etc etc. You know how this feels. I am so swollen/bloated feeling too. I feel like I’ve gained a lot of weight all in my midsection, though he assured me I’m not hyperstimulated.
I am very mad at Dr. T. I think he should have either slowly increased from 100 to 125 or either on the last four days he should have had me go back down to 100 or less. But then at the same time I question what he saw on the ultrasound. This is another part I don’t like about his exams. First of all he is so rough with the wand. I think I’ve mentioned that before. But then he was telling the nurse to push down on my sides and he kept getting his sides mixed up with her. Then he told her not to worry about writing it down because he can remember the numbers. Well when I asked him after the u/s was over, he couldn’t remember the sizes of the “one to four” ones. He doesn’t let me see the u/s or tell me every number like Dr. R does.
It just seems so odd to me that one day I have something on my right, then poof it’s gone and then three days later, wait it’s back and has more friends. Then I only have two on my left one day and then poof magically there are more there too. I know things grow at a particular rate, but it just seems odd to me that somehow magically I have two mature on my right, when there was nothing there three days prior. I would really love to get ahold of my chart and look at the notes and u/s pictures.
I plan on making an appt to talk to Dr. R once this cycle starts. He will finally be back from his surgery and out of office time next week. I tell you it couldn’t be soon enough. I want him to explain this all out to me and tell me if he would have done anything differently. I’m strongly strongly considering telling him that if he isn’t going to be in the office for my entire cycle, that I will voluntarily sit that one out. I just don’t have any confidence left in Dr. T right now. Plus he was just rude today to me and the nurse. I don’t appreciate that. I cried all the way out of the u/s room, through the hospital and to work after all of that.
I am also scared that I may have messed things up some. DH and I did the deed yesterday so he would be ready for the IUI we thought we would have tomorrow. This is per their instructions. Well this morning my temp fell a fair bit. I’m wondering if I’m going to ovulate on my own, without the trigger, and if so will the two meet? I’m just terrified that what if we do get pregnant from that and it ends up being way too many babies and we have to either have the selective reduction talk or worse I’ll lose them on my own.
DH doesn’t help matters right now. I briefly told him what happened this morning so he could cancel his time for tomorrow. He doesn’t understand why we need to abstain. His logic is well it hasn’t worked before so who is to say it will work this time and what’s the harm in trying when we’ve done all this. Then I have to remind him that if it does work, it could mean just one, but it could also mean 2+ and you just never know. That then we’d have to deal with that and honestly I just don’t know that I can do that. But I see his point of wanting to still try and knowing we’d have to address that situation and deal with the consequences if they are presented to us. Geez I hope this doesn’t make me sound like a heartless monster. I would never never never ever want to voluntarily give up a child that we create. But I also know my body can’t deal with more than two and I sometimes wonder if it could deal with two honestly. So we have to sit down and talk this through tonight.
I was thinking of taking a break next month anyway. My birthday, DH’s birthday and our wedding anniversary are coming up. I’d really like to be able to enjoy those somewhere and not have to worry about taking my shot in the bathroom of the baseball stadium like I had to two weekends ago.
On to more waiting ....
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Over it ...
I'm so over this IF crap today. I'm in one of the worst moods ever. Follistim and I do not get along. I got like this last time too. So cranky and whiny which honestly is very much unlike me. It gives me the worst headaches which only makes the bad moods worse.
Tonight I just can't get it together. I'm tired, but can't get sleepy enough to go to and stay in bed. I want to take care of some other things around the house, but either can't get myself motivated enough to start or can't sit still long enough to finish the task. Nothing and no one is making me happy right now. I've already snapped at my DH way too many times for one night. Poor guy. He really didn't do anything to deserve it.
It doesn't help that I just found out that someone else is pregnant and another one thinks she might be. I'm happy for the pregnant one truly. She suffered from IF years ago. Got pregnant with triplets from Clomid and lost two of them. Then got pregnant with another naturally. Now two years later, she's pregnant naturally again. She is a great mom and I know she's thrilled. I know I will get there for her at one point. I just can't do it tonight and that makes me feel even worse.
The pregnancy scare is one of my SILs. God help me if she is pregnant. I think I might lose it for real. That will make four grandchildren born in the family since we've been trying.
I wish today was one of those happy go lucky easy days where I can smile, genuinely say congrats and move on. But I can't. I can't get past the sheer jealousy that try as I may I still am not pregnant and am no where closer to figuring out how to get there. It's not fair and I'm sick of getting the short end of the stick.
Off to cry myself to sleep ...
Tonight I just can't get it together. I'm tired, but can't get sleepy enough to go to and stay in bed. I want to take care of some other things around the house, but either can't get myself motivated enough to start or can't sit still long enough to finish the task. Nothing and no one is making me happy right now. I've already snapped at my DH way too many times for one night. Poor guy. He really didn't do anything to deserve it.
It doesn't help that I just found out that someone else is pregnant and another one thinks she might be. I'm happy for the pregnant one truly. She suffered from IF years ago. Got pregnant with triplets from Clomid and lost two of them. Then got pregnant with another naturally. Now two years later, she's pregnant naturally again. She is a great mom and I know she's thrilled. I know I will get there for her at one point. I just can't do it tonight and that makes me feel even worse.
The pregnancy scare is one of my SILs. God help me if she is pregnant. I think I might lose it for real. That will make four grandchildren born in the family since we've been trying.
I wish today was one of those happy go lucky easy days where I can smile, genuinely say congrats and move on. But I can't. I can't get past the sheer jealousy that try as I may I still am not pregnant and am no where closer to figuring out how to get there. It's not fair and I'm sick of getting the short end of the stick.
Off to cry myself to sleep ...
Round 4, CD 8
Yet again last round with the new RE didn't work. He thinks the other RE did the IUI too early. The other RE thinks I responded too quickly to the Follistim. Either way it ended with a BFN.
Surprisingly I didn't have a huge meltdown about it. I think that was because at least by this point I knew I would still have a job and insurance coverage. I accepted another position at my same company. Miracle in itself!
This round:
CD 3-7 (7/25-7/29) - Follistim 100
CD 8 (7/30) - B/W - results unknown. U/S - Left ovary still proving to be useless. Right ovary had one follicle at 8 mm. Lining measurement unknown.
CD 8-11 (7/30-8/2) - Follistim 100
CD 12 (8/3) - More B/W and U/S.
Fingers crossed this one works!
Surprisingly I didn't have a huge meltdown about it. I think that was because at least by this point I knew I would still have a job and insurance coverage. I accepted another position at my same company. Miracle in itself!
This round:
CD 3-7 (7/25-7/29) - Follistim 100
CD 8 (7/30) - B/W - results unknown. U/S - Left ovary still proving to be useless. Right ovary had one follicle at 8 mm. Lining measurement unknown.
CD 8-11 (7/30-8/2) - Follistim 100
CD 12 (8/3) - More B/W and U/S.
Fingers crossed this one works!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Just a vent
Not such a great day today and I just need to vent.
Crappy day at work. Had four hours to finish what I was scheduled to do in two days time. All because someone felt the need to go out of order of the process and not tell me until the last minute. Thanks!
Had a meeting with the career center. Rep made me cry. She was very sweet and helpful. But it's just a really horrible situation to be in and the longer I'm in it, the harder it gets.
Sitting down trying to take a break for a bit and now I'm cramping like crazy on the lower right side. Like worse than PMS cramps. I hope nothing is wrong.
Leaving at 4:30 to rush through some shopping and then home to work the night away. Joy! The only thing that is keeping me going at this point is knowing at 11:00 tomorrow I will be handing in my last project for this team. Then I'm off Friday for a weekend scrapbooking retreat. That should be a blast.
More later ...
Crappy day at work. Had four hours to finish what I was scheduled to do in two days time. All because someone felt the need to go out of order of the process and not tell me until the last minute. Thanks!
Had a meeting with the career center. Rep made me cry. She was very sweet and helpful. But it's just a really horrible situation to be in and the longer I'm in it, the harder it gets.
Sitting down trying to take a break for a bit and now I'm cramping like crazy on the lower right side. Like worse than PMS cramps. I hope nothing is wrong.
Leaving at 4:30 to rush through some shopping and then home to work the night away. Joy! The only thing that is keeping me going at this point is knowing at 11:00 tomorrow I will be handing in my last project for this team. Then I'm off Friday for a weekend scrapbooking retreat. That should be a blast.
More later ...
Friday, July 10, 2009
09/17/2009
September 17, 2009 ....
My official last day at my current company. Supposedly my paperwork is going to be approved next week per the powers that be. I have Monday through Thursday to finish any work for my current team. Then I'm on vacation (scheduled prior to this mess) on Friday.
Monday 7/21 starts my first day of reassignment. My job at that point for the next sixty days will be to find another job.
I'm very torn about this. I'm sad to know that my nine years here had to end like this. I am bitter that one person who didn't like me much has the power to do this when I've been so successful in other roles. I'm angry that by this happening the insurance coverage I need for treatments will be taken away unless I can figure out a way to afford the COBRA payments.
But I'm also excited at the chance to do something new at a new company. I feel like this is God's way of saying "listen up it's time for a change in your life and this is the aspect that needs to go." I feel like the last ten months of my life have been darkly shadowed by this job. I was never truly happy here. I never really felt like part of the team. But I tried to stick in as much as I could for the paycheck and insurance. As time went by I only got more miserable and more stressed. So in a way this is freedom from all of that.
I have an appointment next Wednesday at the career center to go over my resume and have some career coaching. I have already had one interview for an internal job, but I was declined a second interview. There are two other internal options I am considering. I'm just not sure I would be happy at those either and I don't want to end up in this boat again.
I have started looking externally this week as well. I found about eleven to apply for. There is one position for my county that sounds interesting. I really want to apply for it. I'm just waiting to get some resume help first. The posting will be open past my appointment date, so I'm not worried about that. Only thing is it's a $16k pay cut. Yikes I know! But truly we could live off of my DH's salary alone, so I think we can make it work. My DH is supportive of this too or else I wouldn't pursue it. Shopping carelessly isn't more valuable than my happiness and sanity.
Anyway I just wanted to update on the date. More background info on the situation later.
My official last day at my current company. Supposedly my paperwork is going to be approved next week per the powers that be. I have Monday through Thursday to finish any work for my current team. Then I'm on vacation (scheduled prior to this mess) on Friday.
Monday 7/21 starts my first day of reassignment. My job at that point for the next sixty days will be to find another job.
I'm very torn about this. I'm sad to know that my nine years here had to end like this. I am bitter that one person who didn't like me much has the power to do this when I've been so successful in other roles. I'm angry that by this happening the insurance coverage I need for treatments will be taken away unless I can figure out a way to afford the COBRA payments.
But I'm also excited at the chance to do something new at a new company. I feel like this is God's way of saying "listen up it's time for a change in your life and this is the aspect that needs to go." I feel like the last ten months of my life have been darkly shadowed by this job. I was never truly happy here. I never really felt like part of the team. But I tried to stick in as much as I could for the paycheck and insurance. As time went by I only got more miserable and more stressed. So in a way this is freedom from all of that.
I have an appointment next Wednesday at the career center to go over my resume and have some career coaching. I have already had one interview for an internal job, but I was declined a second interview. There are two other internal options I am considering. I'm just not sure I would be happy at those either and I don't want to end up in this boat again.
I have started looking externally this week as well. I found about eleven to apply for. There is one position for my county that sounds interesting. I really want to apply for it. I'm just waiting to get some resume help first. The posting will be open past my appointment date, so I'm not worried about that. Only thing is it's a $16k pay cut. Yikes I know! But truly we could live off of my DH's salary alone, so I think we can make it work. My DH is supportive of this too or else I wouldn't pursue it. Shopping carelessly isn't more valuable than my happiness and sanity.
Anyway I just wanted to update on the date. More background info on the situation later.
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